19 Highly Effective Ways to Call Someone an Unoriginal, Unintentional, Semiconscious Fraud

You’re the type of guy to go to Whole Foods and buy “Keto Friendly Ice Cream” alongside a loaf of white bread and a bag of doritos.

Oh yeah? Well, I bet you eat cold cuts for lunch and protest for animal rights with your “woke friends” on the weekends.

(Scoffs) Huh. Well at least I don’t spend more time at GNC than the gym!

(Gasps) Bruh! In your LinkedIn bio, you claim that you “love to write” but you spend more time deciding which Moleskins and mechanical pencils to buy than you do writing!

You know what? At least I didn’t think I reached “enlightenment” after my first time using Calm.

(Derisive laughter) That’s really funny, considering the fact that you use your one psychedelic experience as a replacement for a real personality.

(Pauses) I don’t need to justify what I saw on that day to you. And anyway, at least I don’t say “you too” when a waiter tells me to enjoy my food.

Oh, so you want to talk about not being aware of surroundings? You literally smiled for a selfie at the holocaust museum!

(Angry) You said you’d never bring that up! Honestly, you’re the type of guy to claim that you’re “highly observant” during a job interview but fail to notice the interviewer giving you the middle finger the whole time.

Ah, so we’re talking about jobs? Perfect. You love to brag to everyone that you’re an atheist, but you were the one who looked at the sky and whispered “please god” when you got your internship results back from Google.

At least I didn’t write that I’m a “natural storyteller” in my cover letter to Facebook instead of actually telling a story!

(Body twitches) You spend hours watching YouTube videos on “how to reduce screen time and improve mental focus” on your iPhone!

(Sputters) OK, Mr. My-Self-Care-Makes-Me-Superior, you think getting eight hours of sleep every night is a personality trait!

You’re the MIT student who tells people he “goes to school in Boston” knowing perfectly well that everyone is going to follow up with “where in Boston?”

At least I don’t listen to one audiobook in each ear at 2X speed and label myself a “prolific reader” in my Twitter bio!

(Bites lips in shock) It’s sad that you literally think listening to the a16z podcast and owning an Apple Watch make you “entrepreneurial.”

(Sarcastic) You know what, you’re right. But at least I don’t consider myself “superhuman” because I have a full Gcal and auto schedule my email deliveries.

So now it’s my fault for optimizing for productivity? Well, I’m so sorry that you had to shrink your entire brain and value system just so you could have it all written inside your little Notion.

No, no, I’m sorry that you search Google for “off the beaten path places to travel for weekend getaway” ideas and then hit “I’m Feeling Lucky.”

No, no, no, I’m sorry that you have to remind your friends that your birthday is coming up by talking about how celebrating birthdays is “stupid.”

Wow. Now it’s my fault for thinking Insomnia Cookies, Boba and a copy of Robert Greene’s 48 Laws of Power are stupid ways to celebrate a birthday?

Student @ Brown U. Author of NYTimes Bestseller ‘This is Me: Clickbait in My Bio.’