This Is What Would Happen If Protein Bars Were Lovers

KIND is the“nice guy” and safe choice. He comes from a good family, has a decent job — everything seems great on paper! Yet, KIND will leave you longing for something more as you ask yourself, “is that all?” You’ll question whether the problem is your unrealistic expectations or his drab personality. My advice: keep KIND guys on the side, because you’ll find them everywhere — from 7–11 to CVS. They’ll always be available when you need a shoulder to eat on.

Rob Irvine Fit Crunch is the “personal trainer” who still lives in his mom’s basement and makes his own protein powder, yet still manages to persuade you to give him a try. Tastes great, looks great, but you won’t be able to maintain the relationship. I recommend that you have your fun, do what you have to do, and then end the relationship on your own terms. You won’t find any consistency with Rob Irvines — one minute these guys are stocked up at Costco, and the next week they’re fooling around at the local gas station.

RX promises that there will be “No B.S.” in the relationship, but he really only cares about himself. His earthy, minimalist vibe is actually a front to cover up years of built up insecurities. He’ll take weeks off to go on ayahuasca trips in the middle of the desert. He’ll distance you from friends and family, making you feel like everything you do is immoral. Still, you may learn a thing or two from being with RX. But the constant apple cider vinegar shots will slowly erode away your soul.

PowerCrunch = Husband material. They’re confident about their strengths and transparent about weaknesses. They’ve found their groove in life and have established a sense of style that doesn’t seem the least bit pretentious. PowerCrunch won’t completely satisfy you, but he’ll consistently meet your needs and won’t drain your bank account while doing so. This is what a healthy balance of safety and fun looks like. Plus, PowerCrunch knows how to spice it up with a decent variety of flavors.

Cliff Bars are naturally athletic, charismatic, adventurous, fun loving, and just a little toxic. Throughout the whole relationship, they’ll have you wondering if you’re enough. You may ask yourself, “am I too boring for Cliff?” or “is he right for me?” Plus, there’s a good chance he’s cheating on you with his “rock climbing partner.” Cliff may not be as healthy as he wants you to believe.

Quest is the rich prick with a big trust fund. Quest’s daddy got him into Harvard, and now he feels entitled to price himself at 2x his peers because he can throw around fancy terms like “fiber” and “net carbs.” Ultimately, Quest is more fun to look at than to be with.

Mysterious, quiet, slightly edgy. You see these guys everywhere, but they always hang in the back and avoid attention. You can never tell what ONE Bars are thinking, but there’s still something seductive about them. No one knows where they came from, but they still managed to build a reputation within your local community.

Nature Valley — the type of guy to protest for animal rights and still eat meat. He’d easily sell himself out and is always going through some sort of identity crisis. It’s been years, and Nature Valley still doesn’t know who he is or what he wants from life. These guys were bullied in college for being too vanilla, so they got nose rings in their early 30s.

Now, this — this is the sexy, foreign fling that you must experience at least once before you die. It will be steamy, expensive and short-lived, but you’ll never forget that first bite. You’ll recount the experience to friends as if it were a dream. These bars are rare finds, so if you have the opportunity to spend some time together…take the risk, act quickly and do whatever it takes. You won’t be disappointed.

Student @ Brown U. Author of NYTimes Bestseller ‘This is Me: Clickbait in My Bio.’